By Taralee Eddington | Peaceful Heart Journey
There is a conversation happening in struggling marriages right now that might sound familiar.
One spouse says, “Can we just get through the holidays without fighting?”
The other agrees.
After all, nobody wants to ruin Thanksgiving. Nobody wants the kids worried about Christmas. Nobody wants the extended family asking uncomfortable questions.
So you make an unspoken agreement.
We won't talk about the marriage right now.
We'll be pleasant.
We'll keep things normal.
We'll figure everything out after the holidays.
And for a little while, it might even feel like things are improving.
You're not arguing as much. You're making plans. You're talking about where to spend Thanksgiving and what to get the grandkids for Christmas.
But underneath all of that activity, there's still a question nobody wants to answer.
Are we actually working on our marriage, or are we just getting better at avoiding what's wrong?
Because those are two very different things.
And that difference matters more than you might realize.
When Keeping the Peace Becomes the Problem
I work with individuals and couples who are often incredibly capable in every other area of their lives.
They run businesses. They lead teams. They raise families. They solve complicated problems every single day.
But when their marriage starts falling apart, they suddenly find themselves trying to manage something they cannot control.
Their spouse's feelings.
Their spouse's decisions.
Their spouse's willingness to work on the marriage.
And when the holidays approach, there is an added layer of pressure.
Now you're not just worried about whether your marriage will survive.
You're also worried about how you're going to get through Thanksgiving dinner when you don't know whether your spouse even wants to be married to you anymore.
You're wondering if you should buy the Christmas gifts you normally buy.
If you should plan that family trip.
If you should tell your adult children something is wrong.
If you should pretend everything is fine.
And maybe you've decided the best thing you can do is keep everyone happy and avoid rocking the boat.
I understand why that feels like the safest option.
But sometimes the very thing you're doing to protect the peace is preventing you from creating something better.
There Is a Difference Between Peace and the Absence of Conflict
I want you to think about that for a minute.
Just because you're not arguing doesn't mean your marriage is healthy.
Just because your spouse is being pleasant doesn't mean the resentment is gone.
Just because you're sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean you're emotionally connected.
And just because you managed to enjoy a family gathering doesn't mean the issues in your marriage have been resolved.
Now, I am not suggesting that you need to discuss your marriage every day.
In fact, sometimes stepping away from difficult conversations is exactly what a relationship needs.
But there is a difference between intentionally taking a break from a difficult conversation and avoiding it because you're terrified of what might happen if you bring it up.
Healthy pauses create room for something productive to happen next. Avoidance simply postpones the problem.
The difference isn't whether you talk today.
It's whether you're being intentional about what happens next.
The Hidden Cost of Pretending Everything Is Fine
Imagine this situation.
Your spouse has told you they're unhappy in the marriage.
Maybe they've said they don't feel the same way anymore.
Maybe they've even mentioned separation or divorce.
You're devastated.
But then they start talking about Thanksgiving plans as if nothing happened.
You feel a little hopeful.
Maybe they're reconsidering.
Maybe this means they want to stay.
Maybe things are finally turning around.
So you play along.
You don't ask questions. You don't bring up the relationship. You make everything as pleasant as possible.
Then one evening, after a genuinely nice day together, you reach for their hand.
They pull away.
And suddenly you're right back in that terrible place.
You thought things were getting better.
They thought you both agreed to take the pressure off.
Neither of you realized you were operating from completely different expectations.
This is one of the problems with an unspoken holiday truce.
You can be participating in the same relationship while believing two entirely different things are happening.
One spouse thinks, “We're finding our way back.”
The other thinks, “We're just trying to make the holidays tolerable.”
And eventually those expectations collide.
Not necessarily because either person intended to mislead the other, but because the meaning of the agreement was never clear.
The Holiday Deadline Trap
There's another version of this that I see.
You tell yourself:
“I'll give them until after Christmas.”
“I won't bring anything up until the new year.”
“I just need to make the holidays good enough that they remember why they love me.”
And without realizing it, you turn the holiday season into an audition for your marriage.
Every dinner becomes an opportunity to prove something.
Every family activity becomes a test.
Every smile gives you hope.
Every distant moment sends you into panic.
You become hyperaware of everything your spouse says and does.
Was that a real hug?
Did they seem happy?
Why didn't they sit beside me?
Why did they say “my plans” instead of “our plans”?
Now the holidays aren't something you're enjoying.
They're something you're trying to get right.
And that's an exhausting way to live.
Your marriage cannot become healthier if your entire strategy depends on creating the perfect environment so your spouse will choose you.
You can create better conditions for a relationship.
You can change how you show up.
You can learn to respond differently.
You can make meaningful repairs.
But you cannot manufacture another person's feelings or commitment by giving them a perfect holiday.
What I Want You to Do Instead
Rather than deciding that you need to save the entire marriage before Thanksgiving or keep everything perfect until January, I want you to focus on three things.
1. Get honest about what's actually happening.
This is where my FOCUS Framework™ begins.
Facts First.
Not your worst fears.
Not the hopeful explanation you've created.
Not what your best friend thinks your spouse meant.
What has actually happened?
Has your spouse said they want to separate?
Have they agreed to work on the relationship?
Have you both agreed to revisit a particular conversation?
Or have you simply stopped talking about it?
That distinction matters.
You cannot make thoughtful decisions about your marriage when you're building your plan around assumptions.
And sometimes the first bit of progress is simply being willing to see where things really are.
2. Decide what you're willing to participate in.
I want you to understand that you have a choice in how you move through this season.
You can participate in family traditions without pretending your marriage is perfect.
You can be kind to your spouse without acting as if everything has been resolved.
You can respect their need for space without agreeing to silence every concern you have.
You can enjoy a good moment without turning it into evidence that the marriage is saved.
And you can set a boundary around conversations or behaviors that aren't healthy.
This is not about trying to control your spouse.
It's about deciding who you want to be in a difficult situation.
Maybe that means saying:
“I know we've both been under a lot of stress, and I don't want every holiday gathering to become a conversation about our marriage. I'd like us to enjoy the time with our family. But I also don't want us to avoid what's happening between us indefinitely. Can we agree on a time to talk about where we go from here?”
Notice that you're not demanding an answer about the future of the marriage right now.
You're asking for clarity about the next step.
And if your spouse isn't willing to make that agreement, that is important information, too.
3. Stop making the holidays your marriage strategy.
I want you to have a good holiday season.
I want you to enjoy your family.
I want you to laugh, celebrate, create memories, and experience joy where you can.
But I don't want you to put your entire emotional well-being on hold while hoping the right Christmas morning changes your spouse's mind.
You need something more reliable than that.
You need to understand what is happening in your relationship.
You need to recognize the patterns that keep repeating.
You need to know how to respond when your spouse is distant, when a conversation becomes difficult, or when the uncertainty feels unbearable.
And you need to know what is yours to change and what isn't.
That is what actually allows you to make progress.
Not perfectly decorated tables.
Not avoiding every disagreement.
Not pretending the problem isn't there.
But What If My Spouse Refuses to Talk?
This is an important question.
Because some of you reading this are thinking:
“Taralee, that sounds great. But my spouse isn't willing to have those conversations.”
Maybe they shut down every time you try.
Maybe they tell you they don't know what they want.
Maybe they're emotionally checked out.
Maybe you're the only person who's interested in getting help.
Here's what I want you to understand.
You do not need your spouse's permission to begin changing the way you participate in your marriage.
That does not mean you can fix the entire relationship by yourself.
You can't create mutual commitment on your own.
But you can become more intentional about how you respond.
You can learn to stop allowing fear to make your decisions.
You can examine whether your efforts are creating more pressure, more distance, or opportunities for genuine understanding.
You can get clear about your own expectations, needs, and boundaries.
And you can get support while you're doing it.
Sometimes one person's changes open the door to a different relationship pattern.
Sometimes those changes help reveal whether the other person is willing to participate.
Both kinds of clarity matter.
What Would It Feel Like to Have a Plan Before the Holidays?
Imagine entering the holiday season without needing to analyze every interaction.
Imagine being able to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner without secretly treating it as a test of your spouse's love.
Imagine knowing how to respond when your spouse is distant instead of spending three hours searching for advice online.
Imagine having a difficult conversation and knowing what to do next, even if it doesn't go exactly as you hoped.
Imagine having somewhere to bring the questions you don't know how to answer.
That's the kind of progress I want to help you create.
Not a guarantee that your spouse will stay.
Not a promise that everything will feel wonderful by Christmas.
But real clarity.
More emotional steadiness.
Better relationship skills.
And a direction you can actually move in.
You Don't Have to Spend Another Holiday Season Guessing
This is exactly why I created the Marriage Breakthrough Room.
I know what happens when people are struggling in their marriages.
They read books. They listen to podcasts. They watch videos. They try different strategies.
And then something happens at home.
Their spouse sends a confusing text.
A family gathering goes badly.
An argument breaks out.
Their spouse suddenly becomes affectionate, and they don't know what it means.
And all the advice they've collected doesn't seem to tell them what to do in that specific situation.
Inside the Breakthrough Room, we meet live twice each week.
You can bring what's happening in your marriage, ask questions, get coaching, and learn practical tools for navigating the challenges you're facing.
We also have a monthly workshop where we go deeper into building healthier relationship patterns.
You can come alone or with your spouse. You can participate privately, listen, or volunteer for coaching.
The goal isn't for you to become an expert at surviving another crisis.
It's for you to develop the understanding and skills to create something healthier moving forward.
Learn More About the Marriage Breakthrough Room
And if your marriage is at a critical point and you need a more personalized, intensive plan, I also offer private coaching through my Marriage Breakthrough Program.
Schedule a Consultation Call With Me
Because the holidays are coming whether your marriage feels ready for them or not.
And you don't have to choose between pretending everything is fine and allowing the crisis to take over your entire season.
There is another way.
You can protect what matters about the holidays while still taking your marriage seriously.
And that is where I would begin.
~ Taralee Eddington
Marriage Crisis Coach | Peaceful Heart Journey
