The Real Reason You're Stuck (And It's Not Your Spouse)

You know what I've noticed after working with couples in crisis?

Most people aren't actually stuck because their spouse won't change.

They're stuck because they've gotten comfortable being stuck.

I know that sounds harsh. Maybe even offensive.

But hear me out.

Because what I'm about to say might be the most important thing you read all year.

The Payoff You Don't See

Every behavior has a payoff.

Even the ones that hurt us.

Even the ones that keep us miserable.

And being stuck in a broken marriage? It has payoffs too.

Now, before you close this tab and tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about … I get it. You're in pain. Real pain.

You're not choosing to suffer.

But you might be choosing to stay stuck.

And there's a difference.

Let me show you what I mean.

What You Get From Being Stuck

When you're stuck in a broken marriage and you talk about how stuck you are, here's what you get:

1. You get to be right.

You get to prove, over and over, that your spouse is the problem.

Every conversation becomes evidence. Every disappointment becomes proof.

And being right feels good. Even when it hurts.

2. You get to avoid risk.

As long as you're stuck, you don't have to make any hard decisions.

You don't have to leave (too scary).

You don't have to fully commit to staying (too vulnerable).

You get to live in limbo. And limbo, as painful as it is, feels safer than making a choice.

3. You get sympathy.

When you tell people how hard your marriage is, they feel for you.

They validate you. They take your side.

And that feels good.

Especially when you don't feel seen at home.

4. You get to be the victim.

And I don't mean that in a cruel way.

But when you're the victim, you're not responsible.

You're not the one who has to change.

You're not the one who has to grow.

You just have to endure.

And there's a strange comfort in that.

5. You get to avoid looking at yourself.

Because as long as the problem is them, you don't have to examine your part.

You don't have to face the ways you've contributed to the disconnect.

You don't have to ask the hard questions about who you've become in this marriage.

You just get to point at them.

The Story You Keep Telling

Here's what I see happen constantly:

People come to me desperate for help.

They tell me their marriage is falling apart.

They tell me they've tried everything.

They tell me they're exhausted.

And then I offer them a path forward.

A real, concrete plan to change the dynamic.

And you know what happens?

They find a reason it won't work.

"My spouse won't go to counseling."

"We've already tried that."

"That won't work for us because..."

"I can't afford it right now."

"Maybe after the holidays."

And I realize: They don't actually want a solution.

They want to keep the problem.

Because the problem has become their identity.

They've become "the person whose marriage is broken."

"The person whose spouse doesn't appreciate them."

"The person who's trying so hard and getting nothing back."

And letting go of that story feels like letting go of themselves.

The Comfort of Complaining

Let me ask you something:

How much time do you spend talking about what's wrong in your marriage?

To friends. To family. To therapists. To yourself.

How much mental and emotional energy goes into rehearsing the ways your spouse has failed you?

Now ask yourself:

What would you do with all that energy if you weren't spending it on the problem?

What would you have to face about yourself?

What would you have to risk?

What would you have to change?

Complaining is easier than changing.

Being stuck is easier than making a decision.

Blaming them is easier than examining yourself.

And that's why you're still here.

Not because you can't get unstuck.

But because some part of you doesn't want to.

The Truth That Will Set You Free

Here's what I know:

You're reading this for one of two reasons.

Either you're furious with me right now because I'm calling you out and you don't like it.

Or you're sitting there with tears in your eyes because some part of you knows I'm right.

If it's the first one, that's okay. Close this tab. I'll still be here when you're ready.

But if it's the second one … if something in you is whispering, "She's right. I've been hiding in this story" … then I want you to hear this:

You're not stuck because your spouse won't change.

You're stuck because you haven't decided what you're willing to do about it.

And I don't mean divorce.

I mean:

Are you willing to stop complaining and start doing the work?

Are you willing to look at your part instead of just pointing at theirs?

Are you willing to risk being vulnerable instead of staying safe behind your resentment?

Are you willing to make a real decision (stay and rebuild, or leave with integrity) instead of living in limbo?

Those are hard questions.

And avoiding them is easier.

But easier doesn't get you unstuck.

It just keeps you comfortable in your misery.

What Happens When You Stop Getting Comfortable

I had a client who spent two years talking about leaving her husband.

Two years.

Every session: "I think I need to leave. I can't keep doing this."

And every session, she'd find a reason not to.

The kids. The money. The timing. The fear.

And I finally said to her:

"I don't think you want to leave. I think you want to want to leave. But you're not actually willing to do it."

She was furious with me.

But a few months later, she came back and said:

"You were right. I was getting something from staying stuck. I got to be the martyr. I got to be the victim. I got to avoid taking responsibility for my own happiness."

And then she made a real decision.

She decided to stay, but differently.

Not as a victim. As a participant.

She stopped complaining to her friends.

She stopped rehearsing his failures in her mind.

She started showing up with intention instead of resentment.

And her marriage transformed.

Not because he changed.

But because she stopped getting comfortable in the story of how broken it was.

The Question That Changes Everything

So here's what I want you to ask yourself:

What am I getting from staying stuck?

Be honest.

What does this story give you?

What does being the victim protect you from?

What would you have to face if you actually got unstuck?

And then ask:

Am I willing to give that up?

Because you can't have both.

You can't have the comfort of the familiar story and the freedom of a new chapter.

You have to choose.

You're Not Stuck. You're Scared.

And that's okay.

Change is terrifying.

Making a real decision is terrifying.

Letting go of the story you've been telling yourself for years is terrifying.

But you know what's more terrifying?

Waking up in five years and realizing you wasted them staying stuck because it felt safer than moving forward.

You're not stuck because of your spouse.

You're stuck because you haven't decided you're done being stuck yet.

And the moment you decide (really decide) everything changes.

Not because your circumstances change.

But because you stop waiting for them to.

Ready to Get Unstuck?

If you're finally done with the story.

If you're finally ready to stop being comfortable in your misery.

If you're finally willing to do the hard work of getting unstuck.

Book a free clarity call with me HERE.

We'll talk about what's really keeping you stuck.

And we'll create a plan to get you moving again.

Not someday.

Not eventually.

Now.

Because you don't have to stay stuck.

You just have to decide you're done.

Book Your Free Marriage Clarity Call Now