Your Marriage Isn’t Falling Apart Because of What Happened. It’s Falling Apart Because of What You’ve Decided It Means
January has a way of making things feel final.
The holidays are over.
The house is quieter.
And suddenly, you’re face-to-face with your relationship.
Every forgotten conversation.
Every unmet expectation.
Every moment you felt invisible.
And when you’ve been married for years (maybe decades) it’s easy to look at your spouse and think:
“This is it. This is all it’s ever going to be.”
But here’s what I need you to understand:
The crisis in your marriage isn’t what your spouse did or didn’t do.
It’s what you’ve decided it means.
What it means about you.
What it means about them.
What it means about whether this marriage can survive.
Last week, we talked about separating facts from stories. Learning to tell the difference between what actually happened and the narrative your brain created around it.
This week, we’re going deeper into the “O” in the FOCUS Framework™: Own Your Thoughts.
Because once you can see the difference between facts and stories, the next step is realizing where your real power lives.
And I promise you … it’s not where you think.
The Truth Most People Don’t Want to Hear
Your spouse doesn’t create your feelings.
Your thoughts about your spouse create your feelings.
I know. That can feel uncomfortable at first.
Stay with me.
Because if your spouse were actually responsible for how you feel, then every person who experienced the same behavior would feel the same way.
But that’s not what happens.
Same Marriage Moment. Two Completely Different Experiences.
Let me show you what I mean with a real example from a couple I worked with. We’ll call them Rachel and Ben.
They’d been married 32 years.
Raised three kids.
Built a successful business.
From the outside, they looked solid.
But Rachel came to me convinced their marriage was over.
Here’s what was happening:
Every night, Ben would come home from work, grab something to eat, and disappear into his office to “decompress.”
That was the fact: the neutral, observable circumstance.
Here’s what Rachel made it mean:
Thought:
“He doesn’t want to be around me. Now that the kids are gone, he has no reason to engage with me. I’m just someone who lives in his house.”
Feeling:
Rejected. Lonely. Hopeless.
Action:
She stopped initiating conversation.
Stopped suggesting they do things together.
Started making plans without him.
Started researching divorce attorneys.
Result:
More distance. Which confirmed her original thought.
Now here’s what changed everything.
Rachel learned to question her interpretation instead of accepting it as truth.
Same circumstance.
Different thought:
“He’s been managing a team of 30 people all day. He’s probably overwhelmed. This isn’t about me.”
New feeling: Neutral. Compassionate.
New action: She gave him 30 minutes, then asked him to take a walk.
New result: Connection.
Same husband.
Same behavior.
Completely different marriage.
The only thing that changed was the meaning she assigned.
Where Your Thoughts Fit in the FOCUS Framework™
F — Facts First: What actually happened
O — Own Your Thoughts: What you made it mean
C — Choose Your Feelings: The emotion that follows
U — Understand Your Actions: What you do because of that feeling
S — Shape Your Results: The outcome that reinforces the story
Here’s a simple example:
Fact/Circumstance: Your spouse forgot to pick up your prescription.
Version 1:
Thought: “I’m not a priority.”
Feeling: Angry
Action: Snaps
Result: Fight
Version 2:
Thought: “They forgot — it happens.”
Feeling: Disappointed but calm
Action: Clear communication
Result: Problem solved
Same circumstance.
Different meaning.
Different marriage.
“But They DID Hurt Me”
I know what you’re thinking.
“Taralee, they DID forget.”
“They DID say something hurtful.”
“They DID choose work over me … again.”
Yes. They did.
And I’m not asking you to pretend it didn’t happen.
What I am asking you to do is separate the fact from the meaning.
Because when you don’t, you give your power away.
You make your entire emotional experience dependent on someone else’s behavior.
And you can’t control someone else.
But you can control what you make it mean.
That’s not toxic positivity.
That’s emotional responsibility.
When Thoughts Start Feeling Like Facts
In long-term marriages, this gets harder.
After 20+ years, your thoughts start to feel like truth:
“He always…”
“She never…”
“That’s just how they are.”
Once a thought feels like a fact, you stop questioning it.
And your brain starts collecting evidence to prove it.
But what if those “facts” are just thoughts you’ve practiced for decades?
The Question That Changes Everything
When you feel triggered, ask:
“What am I making this mean?”
Not “What did they do?”
But “What am I making it mean?”
That’s where the spiral starts.
And that’s where it can stop.
Why This Is Empowering - Not Self-Blame
Owning your thoughts isn’t saying:
“It’s all my fault.”
It’s saying:
“I have more power than I realized.”
You can’t control your spouse.
But you can control what you make it mean.
And that changes everything.
The Work This Week
Just notice your thoughts.
Don’t judge them.
Don’t fix them.
Just catch them.
Because you can’t change what you can’t see.
Before You Decide This Marriage Is Over
Ask yourself:
“Am I reacting to what’s happening… or to what I’ve decided it means?”
Because most of the pain in your marriage isn’t coming from your spouse’s behavior.
It’s coming from the meaning you’ve assigned.
And meaning can be questioned.
Meaning can be reframed.
Meaning can be chosen.
That’s where your power is.
What’s Next
If you’re ready for support:
1. Watch my free masterclass and learn about the 5 foundations every marriage needs (link in bio)
2. Book a Marriage Clarity Call
You don’t need a perfect marriage.
You just need to stop letting unchecked thoughts run the show.
Book Your Free Marriage Clarity Call Now
