No Accountability for the Space
You can love each other and still feel alone in the work.
Dishes pile. Re-entry after work is tense. Plans get made without checking in.
No one means harm, but the message lands: “You’ll carry it.”
When the space between you doesn’t get tended (the tone in the kitchen, the quick repair after a sharp comment, the “hey, what’s on tonight?”) connection thins. It starts to feel like roommates instead of partners.
This week is about naming that space and sharing it.
What I mean by “our space”
It’s the in-between… how we show up around each other, not just what we get done.
How we greet each other when we walk in the door
A text if we’re running late
Circling back after a small hurt (instead of letting it stack)
Who owns what (appointments, renewals, kid logistics)
Tiny rituals that say, “We matter”
If neither of us owns it, it gets messy.
If both of us own a small piece, the room gets lighter.
How that space gets lost
In my conversation for this week’s podcast, I talked with Dr. Lee Baucom. He put words to what so many couples feel: we slip into survival mode, and the relationship’s vision disappears. We start paying bills, moving kids, handling logistics—and forget where we’re going together. Responsibility fades because the endpoint isn’t clear anymore. As Lee put it, couples “lose track of what it could be,” and the reset begins with taking responsibility and then deciding where you want to go so you can work backward from there.
From there, habits take over. It’s easy to get into the habit of turning away. For instance, being on your phone is easier than engaging a difficult moment. And if turning away doesn’t hold, it often shifts into turning against—more personal, more attacking. The common mistake? One partner starts chasing hard (big plans, big gifts, forced “fixes”) when the connection isn’t ready for that yet. That chasing creates more distancing, which creates more chasing… and around you go.
I’ve lived a version of this in my own marriage. I’m more of a withdraw-then-return processor; my husband tends to talk sooner. What helps us is simple: I name the pause I need (“Give me ten minutes / Let’s finish after we sleep”), and then I return and repair. That tiny piece of accountability for the space keeps me from either hiding or attacking.
Why our brains make this harder (and what to do)
When the primitive brain flips into fight/flight, it looks for a threat—and the closest target is often your spouse. From there, you’ll find what you’re looking for: reasons to blame, evidence you’re alone, proof they “don’t care.” Lee’s reminder: the work is shifting from hunting threats to facing them together—back on the same team, fighting the problem, not each other.
That shift is the beginning of accountability for the space.
One simple way back to shared ownership
Use normal words. Keep it specific and kind.
Re-entry: “When we get home, can we do a 20-second hug and a quick ‘What’s on tonight?’ It makes evenings lighter.”
Running late: “A quick ‘on my way’ text helps a lot.”
Tasks: “I’ll own appointments and school forms. Can you own renewals and car stuff?”
Repairs: “If I get sharp, I’ll say ‘try me again.’ Will you do the same?”
Small and visible beats long talks you won’t keep.
Using my FOCUS Framework (how I actually use it)
F — Facts First
Say what happened, clean and simple.
“Evenings feel tense. We keep missing each other when we get home.”
O — Own Your Thoughts
Name the thought your brain is offering.
“I’m thinking, ‘I’m carrying everything at night.’”
C — Choose Your Feelings (by choosing your thoughts)
Pick a thought on purpose that creates the feeling you want to bring.
“I want to feel steady, so I’m choosing the thought: ‘We’re on the same team, and this is fixable.’”
(Notice the order: thought → feeling. Choose the thought first.)
U — Understand Your Actions
From that steadier feeling, choose one specific action that builds the space between you.
“I’m going to ask for a re-entry ritual instead of hinting or keeping score.”
S — Shape Your Results
Make it visible and repeatable so it sticks.
“Let’s try a 20-second hug and ‘What’s on tonight?’ when we walk in. I’ll put a note on the door and a reminder on our phones.”
Coming Friday: my conversation with Dr. Lee Baucom
Friday’s episode goes deeper on two ideas that matter for this:
Turning away → turning against → chasing/distancing
How to stop the cycle by inviting warmth back into the room instead of forcing connection that isn’t ready yet.Team vs. threat
Why fight/flight makes your spouse the “easiest threat,” and how naming the real target helps you stand shoulder-to-shoulder again.
We also talk about rebuilding a shared vision so the daily space has a point again—not perfection, just direction.
Episode drops Friday—link will be added here.
Bottom line
Healthy couples don’t get the space perfect.
They name it, share a few small jobs, repair quickly, and choose habits they can see.
If you want help setting this up without nagging, that’s exactly what I coach inside my Marriage Breakthrough Program.
Need to talk? Book a Free Marriage Clarity Call with me today!
