Intimacy, Connection, and Being Truly Known in Your Marriage
On this blog (and in every episode of The FOCUS Podcast with Taralee) I talk a lot about what it feels like to be disconnected, misunderstood, or stuck in a marriage that’s lost its spark.
If you’re anything like the women I work with, you might be:
Walking on eggshells
Doing “all the things” for everyone
Wondering, “Is this it? Is this how it’s going to feel forever?”
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been in a series around the quiet patterns that drain connection in marriage. What I call the 7 Connection Killers. We’ve talked about:
How negative thinking and worst-case-scenario stories hijack your brain
Why the small everyday moments (turning toward vs. turning away) matter more than the big gestures
How our hunger for novelty can pull us away from the steady, deep love we actually want
Last week on the podcast, I sat down with Dr. Lee Baucom, who shared beautiful insight about what it really means to build a marriage that lasts. Not by “trying harder,” but by changing the way you show up in the relationship.
This week, I want to take that even deeper and talk about intimacy. Not just in the bedroom, but in the way you feel seen, safe, and chosen in your marriage.
Because intimacy is about more than what happens at night.
It’s about how you live together all day.
Intimacy Is More Than Physical
When we hear the word intimacy, most of us immediately think of sex. And yes, physical intimacy is important. God designed our bodies and our desires on purpose.
But if you’ve ever felt physically close and emotionally miles apart, you already know:
Intimacy is more than physical. It’s emotional and relational.
Intimacy looks like:
Feeling safe enough to be honest—even when it’s messy
Being known without constantly bracing for judgment or criticism
Sharing moments that deepen trust, instead of erode it
Saying what your heart really feels, even when you’re afraid it might rock the boat
This kind of closeness creates the foundation where physical intimacy can actually thrive. Because you’re not just “doing the thing,” you’re connecting as two real humans who feel seen, valued, and chosen.
This is what I help couples build in my work as a Marriage Crisis Coach: emotional safety, deep connection, and a marriage that feels like a refuge instead of another battlefield.
This Week’s Podcast Guest: Dan Purcell on True Intimacy
On this week’s episode of The FOCUS Podcast with Taralee, I’m honored to interview Dan Purcell—a Christian intimacy and marriage coach and the creator of Get Your Marriage On.
On the surface, Dan’s work looks like it’s all about sex.
Underneath, it’s really about true intimacy:
Being able to be yourself in your marriage
Letting your spouse see the real you—emotionally, spiritually, and physically
Bringing joy, playfulness, and honesty back into a relationship that’s felt heavy or duty-bound
Dan helps Christian couples move from:
“I have to” and “I should…”
to
“I want to show up fully in this marriage.”
If last week’s episode with Lee Baucom was about the mission and mindset of a healthy marriage, this week’s conversation with Dan zooms in on what that looks like in your most private, vulnerable spaces.
A Few Truths from Our Conversation
Here are a few of my favorite truths from the episode that you can start applying this week:
1. Connection Builds Pleasure—Not the Other Way Around
We often think, “If we could just fix the physical part, then we’d feel closer.”
But in reality, connection builds pleasure.
When you feel emotionally safe…
When you know you can say no, or ask for what you want, without it blowing up…
When you’re not walking on eggshells…
…then physical intimacy stops feeling like pressure or performance and starts feeling like a natural expression of the closeness you already share.
2. Vulnerability Is a Risk and a Gift
Real closeness always involves risk. You have to let your spouse see the parts of you you’re not sure are “enough.”
That might sound like:
“I feel insecure about this…”
“I want more of you emotionally, but I’m scared to ask.”
“I miss us.”
This isn’t weakness—it’s courage.
In my FOCUS Framework, this is the “O” and the “C”:
Own Your Thoughts – Notice what’s really going on inside
Choose Your Feelings – Show up with intention instead of just reacting
Dan does a beautiful job helping couples practice this courage in safe, respectful ways.
3. Good Communication Creates Desire
We often think desire is just “chemistry,” but so much of it comes down to how you talk to each other.
Can you express a need without attacking?
Can you say “no” without fear?
Can you share a desire or fantasy without shame?
When communication becomes honest, kind, and clear, desire has room to breathe again.
That’s also where my work with the STARVED needs comes in—Safety, Trust, Appreciation, Respect, Validation, Encouragement, and Dedication. When these needs are starved, intimacy suffers. When they’re fed, desire returns.
Try This Week’s Marriage Intimacy Challenge
Here’s a simple, gentle challenge for you and your spouse this week. Think of it as a small step toward deeper intimacy—no pressure, just practice.
3 Conversations That Build Closeness
Pause and Validate
At some point today, say one thing you genuinely appreciate about your spouse. No criticism attached. Just:“I really appreciated when you ______. It made me feel ______.”
Ask One Vulnerable Question
Sometime this week, ask:“When did you feel most connected to me last week?”
Then listen. Don’t defend. Just receive.Plan One Intentional Moment
Schedule 20 minutes together. No phones, no TV, no multitasking.
Sit on the couch, take a walk, lie on the bed and talk—whatever feels doable. The point is: “You have my full attention.”
Connection isn’t built on grand, Instagram-worthy gestures.
It grows where your attention goes.
Coming in January: The Relationship Reset Workshop
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This all sounds great, but we are so far from that right now…” I want you to know two things:
You’re not alone.
You don’t have to figure this out by yourself.
This January, I’m hosting a Relationship Reset workshop for local couples. A space for honest, practical work on your marriage.
We’ll focus on:
Rebuilding emotional safety
Understanding your patterns (without blame)
Learning how to turn toward each other again
Simple tools you can use right away at home
If your marriage feels like it’s in crisis, or you’re tired of feeling like roommates or enemies instead of partners, this workshop is for you.
*Watch for more details on the blog, podcast, and my email list in the coming weeks. (And if you’re not on the email list…why not? Go… GET ON IT HERE!)
Closing Thoughts
Whether you’re in a season of struggle, stability, or quietly longing for more, intimacy matters—emotional, spiritual, and physical.
This week, choose one small way to turn toward your spouse:
A softer tone
A curious question instead of a harsh assumption
A moment of undivided attention
Remember:
You won’t think your way into a new marriage.
You’ll practice your way into it. Oone accurate, generous moment at a time.
Stay tuned for this week’s episode with Dan Purcell. I truly believe this conversation will give you hope, language, and tools to bring more joy, depth, and connection back into your marriage. 💛
