The Little Moments That Make or Break Your Marriage: Turning Toward

Nov 19

If you’ve ever thought, “We’re not fighting… we’re just not close,” this one’s for you.

Most marriages don’t implode overnight. They erode in tiny moments.

The ones we tell ourselves don’t matter:

“Uh-huh.” (without looking up)
“One sec.” (that turns into ten minutes)
The text we don’t send.
The shoulder brush we don’t return.

Those little moments are what researchers call bids for connection. Tiny door knocks that say, “Are you there? Do I matter?” The health of a relationship is less about how perfectly you handle the big stuff and more about how often you notice and turn toward those bids.

This week is about learning to see the door… and choosing to open it.

What “Turning Toward” Actually Means (in normal-people words)

Every day, your partner sends out small signals:

A sigh (that means “ask me about my day”)
“Come look at this” (that means “share this moment with me”)
A quick touch in the kitchen (that means “are we okay?”)
A joke (that means “play with me for a second”)

You get three choices:

Turn Toward – respond with attention or care (look up, smile, “tell me more”)
Turn Away – ignore or miss it (keep scrolling, “uh-huh”)
Turn Against – respond with irritation or criticism (“I’m busy, stop”)

Turning toward builds safety, warmth, and trust a few seconds at a time. Turning away/against drains it the same way.

Good news: this skill is learnable, and small changes go a long way.

Why We Miss the Bids (and How to Notice Them Again)

We don’t miss bids because we’re bad people. We miss them because:

We’re busy or overstimulated (last week’s “Addiction to Distraction”)
We mislabel calm as “boring” (the “Preference for Novelty”)
We’re stressed and stuck in our heads
We assume “If it mattered, they’d say it louder”

Start here: assume everything is a bid for one week.
If you’re wrong, you were still kind.

Common bids you might be overlooking

The “come see this” from the other room
The narrative of their day starting with, “So, this thing happened…”
A meme they DM you (yes, that counts)
“Want anything from the store?”
The shoulder squeeze as they pass
Sitting near you without talking (proximity is a bid)

Spot it → Name it → Nudge it open.
“Hey, you sighed—good or tough?”
“You sent me that reel; what part made you laugh?”
“You’re quiet—want company or space?”

Use the FOCUS Framework™ to Rebuild the Habit

F – Facts First
Notice the pattern without the drama.

How many bids did I notice today?
How often did I look up vs. say “one sec”?
When do I miss them most (mornings, dinner, bedtime)?

O – Own Your Thoughts
Replace unhelpful stories.

From “They always interrupt me” → “They’re trying to connect.”
From “If it mattered, they’d ask better” → “Bids are often tiny—catch them anyway.”

C – Choose Your Feelings
Decide your vibe before you respond: warm, present, curious.
Two breaths. Soft face. Then answer.

U – Understand Your Actions
Every choice is a vote.

Eyes up = vote for closeness.
Eyes down = vote for distance.
Aim for more up-votes than down each day, not perfection.

S – Shape Your Results
Protect one tiny ritual where bids thrive (see below). Consistency beats intensity.

5 Tiny Practices That Change the Tone of the Whole House

The 10-Second Turn
When they speak, give ten seconds of full attention: eyes, “mm,” a nod.
You can go back to what you were doing after—but those ten seconds land.
“Tell Me More”
Magic phrase. Works for good or hard things. Keeps the door open without grilling.
Bookend Moments

Re-entry hug when someone walks in the door (20+ seconds)
Last-10, no-screens before sleep—ask one question: “Best moment / hardest moment?”

The “Plus-One” Rule
When you catch a bid, add one more beat: a question, a smile, a touch.
Bid → plus-one = connection.
Micro-Repairs
If you miss a bid: “I realized I didn’t look up earlier—try me again?”
Repairs count more than perfect performance.

Scripts You Can Steal (use your words later)

“I want to hear you—give me 60 seconds to finish this, then I’m all yours.”
“I heard that sigh. Good heavy or hard heavy?”
“That meme was ridiculous—what part killed you?”
“Come sit with me while I finish this; I just want you close.”
“I missed that—try me again?”
“Do you want listening or solutions?” (great bid clarifier)

“What If I’m the Only One Trying?”

First: you’re not crazy for wanting more connection.
Second: lead with warmth, not lectures.

Model what you want: you turn toward first, consistently, for a week.
Narrate the positive: “I loved when you came over while I cooked—that felt good.”
Make bids easier to catch: say, “Can I get a quick 30 seconds of eye contact? I want to share something.”
Keep asks tiny: “One 10-minute check-in after the kids are down?”
Don’t keep score. Do celebrate wins out loud.

If they still don’t engage, that’s data—not a dead end. You can get support to unpack why.

The 7-Day Turning Challenge

Day 1: Catch 5 bids (say out loud: “Thanks for telling me that.”)
Day 2: Practice the 10-second turn three times.
Day 3: Do a 20-second re-entry hug. Count together.
Day 4: Ask “Tell me more” twice. Let them finish.
Day 5: Do one micro-repair (“I missed that; try me again?”)
Day 6: Share one appreciation for a bid they made.
Day 7: Last-10 no screens + one question: “What would make next week 5% easier?”

Track it on a sticky note. Wins count, misses repair-able.

When Turning Feels Hard (stress, resentment, or history)

High stress? Pre-decide: “If I’m on deadline, I’ll say, ‘5 minutes, then yes.’” Put a timer on it.
Old hurts? Turning toward does not mean tolerating harm. If safety is low, get help and set clear boundaries.
Different styles? Some people bid with tasks not talk. “Want me to make your coffee?” is love—receive it.

From “Roommates” to “Partners,” 30 Seconds at a Time

You don’t need long talks every night to rebuild closeness.
You need tiny, repeated turns—thirty seconds of presence, dozens of times, that say, “I see you. You matter.”

Bids are everywhere. Doors are knocking.
Open a few today and watch the room feel different.

Want Help Making This Your New Normal?

If turning toward feels clunky or one-sided, that’s exactly the kind of thing we work on inside my Marriage Breakthrough Program—a 12-week coaching experience to rebuild safety, communication, and connection in real life, not theory.