When Familiar Love Feels “Boring”: Our Preference for Novelty in Marriage
In the beginning, everything feels electric.
New love. New stories. New parts of yourself you’ve never seen before. You could talk for hours. You count down to the next text, the next date, the next weekend together.
That early stage is full of chemicals and novelty. Relationship expert Dr. Matt Townsend calls it the Yearning Stage. That season where excitement is high, clarity is low, and we’re fueled by the “newness” of each other.
Nothing is wrong with that. Your brain is actually designed to light up around what’s new.
The problem is what happens next.
As the relationship settles into real life, the intensity fades. Sweatpants appear. Jokes get recycled. The rhythm becomes predictable. And if we don’t understand what’s happening, we can easily mistake comfort for boredom and start chasing novelty instead of nurturing depth.
This is where our preference for novelty can quietly become a connection killer.
Why Our Brains Love “New”
Let’s talk brain science in 4th-grader language.
Inside your brain is a helper called dopamine. Its job is to tap you on the shoulder and say, “Hey, that’s fun! Do that again.” It loves things that are:
New
Exciting
Rewarding
So of course new love feels intense. It’s a perfect recipe: new person, new stories, new experiences. Your brain is practically throwing confetti!
But dopamine is short-term. It’s not designed to sustain a lifetime commitment. It’s designed to nudge you toward curiosity and exploration, not to tell you whether a relationship is healthy or not.
If we don’t know that, we can start to build a story:
“I don’t feel the spark anymore… maybe this isn’t right.”
“We’re so predictable. Something must be wrong.”
“If it were real love, it wouldn’t feel this… normal.”
When really, what’s happening is what Matt Townsend calls the Earning Stage of a relationship. Where the chemicals are lower, clarity is higher, and commitment is being tested and built.
This is actually where real intimacy becomes possible. But it doesn’t feel like the Yearning Stage, so our novelty-loving brains get confused.
When Our Preference for Novelty Becomes a Problem
Wanting new experiences is not bad. We need growth, variety, and fun.
The danger is when “new” becomes the way we try to escape normal discomfort, boredom, conflict, stress, or the vulnerability of being fully known.
In marriage, that can look like:
Constantly comparing your spouse to other people (or fictional characters).
Flirting with emotional affairs because the attention feels exciting.
Needing a new project, new trip, or new purchase just to feel okay.
Checking out of your real life into fantasy, social media, shows, daydreams of “someone who would really understand me.”
None of these automatically make you a bad person. They’re simply signs that your brain is chasing dopamine instead of devotion.
The cost is subtle but real:
You stop seeing your spouse with fresh eyes.
You start labeling your relationship as “boring” instead of “safe.”
You treat the Enduring Stage (that deeper, steadier love Matt describes) as if it’s a downgrade instead of the goal.
Over time, that preference for novelty can erode gratitude, commitment, and the willingness to stay and work through the Earning Stage.
Reframing “Boring”: Peace, Safety, and Being Known
Here’s a gentle reframe:
What if your marriage isn’t boring…
what if it’s safe?
The nights on the couch, the same bed, the same person who knows how you take your drink and what look means “please help me with these kids”… these can be signs of something beautiful:
Trust – I know you’ll still be here.
Stability – We’re building a life, not just a highlight reel.
Being known – You’ve seen my worst and you’re still here.
Novelty can’t offer that. It’s not designed to.
Peace isn’t the enemy of passion. It’s the soil where real intimacy grows.
Using the FOCUS Framework™ on Novelty
Let’s run this Connection Killer through my FOCUS Framework™ so you can see your own patterns more clearly.
F – Facts First
Get honest. How does your preference for novelty show up?
Constantly needing a new show, new project, or new attention source?
Feeling restless or irritated when things are “just normal”?
Fantasizing about someone else whenever things get hard at home?
Write down where “I need something new” shows up in your week, without judging yourself.
O – Own Your Thoughts
Notice the stories you tell yourself:
“If I’m not excited, it’s not love.”
“Other couples are happier than we are.”
“There must be someone out there who would be a better fit.”
Gently challenge them:
“Long-term love naturally feels different than early chemistry.”
“Comfort isn’t failure; it’s a sign we’ve built something.”
“I can create new moments with the partner I already have.”
C – Choose Your Feelings
Your feelings don’t just happen to you. You can aim them.
For this week, try choosing:
Curiosity – “What else is there to learn about you?”
Gratitude – “What do I love that I’ve started to overlook?”
Wonder – “Who are you becoming that I haven’t noticed yet?”
U – Understand Your Actions
Ask: When I chase novelty, what am I avoiding?
Hard conversations?
My own discomfort or boredom?
The fear that I’m not enough?
Also: what do my actions signal to my spouse?
Scrolling, comparing, flirting with “what ifs”
→ can feel like, “You’re not enough as you are.”
S – Shape Your Results
Now, choose one small practice to shape a different result.
You don’t need to burn everything down. You just need to add intentional novelty into familiar love.
Healthy Novelty: Bringing “New” Into What You Already Have
Instead of chasing something (or someone) new, try bringing fresh energy into what’s already here.
Here are a few simple ideas:
New Questions, Same Person
Skip “How was your day?” and ask:“What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that I don’t know?”
“If you could add one tiny adventure to our week, what would it be?”
Micro-Adventure Date Night
Keep it small and fun:Try a new dessert place and share one slice.
Sit on the same side of the booth.
Drive a different route and talk about “remember when…” stories.
Swap One Routine
Take one thing you always do the same way and tweak it:Eat dinner outside.
Switch who plans date night each week.
Do your evening walk in a new neighborhood.
See Them With “First Date Eyes”
For one day, pretend you’re on your first date again:What do you appreciate about how they show up?
What do you admire about the way they treat others?
What made you say “yes” to them in the first place?
Create, Don’t Just Consume
Instead of adding more entertainment, create something together:Cook a new recipe.
Paint a wall.
Make a silly video only the two of you will ever see.
Healthy novelty says, “Let’s grow together,” not, “I need someone else.”
If You’re Craving “More” in Your Marriage
If your heart is aching for more than the current routine, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It means you’re human… and ready to deepen.
Your preference for novelty doesn’t have to destroy connection. It can be the very thing that wakes you up to how much more there is to discover in the person beside you.
And if you want help navigating that shift—from spark-chasing to steady, satisfying connection—I’d love to walk with you.
My Marriage Breakthrough Program is a 12-week coaching experience designed to help you rebuild safety, communication, and intimacy—even if things feel flat or distant right now.
You can schedule a free clarity call to see if it’s a fit.
You don’t need a new love story.
You need new eyes for the one you already have.
